There was a point in my life that I completely experienced what it means to have peace that passes all understanding. It was March 5, 2010 (Eric's 26th birthday) and we were on vacation in Arizona. I was 10 weeks pregnant but had just started having complications earlier that week. Being away from home, I wasn't able to see my Dr., but when speaking to her on the phone I could hear the sadness in her voice to tell me that my symptoms sounded like the beginning of a miscarriage. She put me on bedrest until I was able to return home and see her. While everyone went to a Cubs game to celebrate Eric's birthday (he got to sing the 7th inning stretch), I sat in the backyard of a family member's home, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. I studied and read over and over the verses in Psalms that still bring me strength to this day. That afternoon while reading, journaling, and praying... although I knew that something was very wrong with my pregnancy, I felt more peace than I have ever known or thought I would ever know. It was completely a peace that passes all understanding. But not God's understanding. He knew that that horrible time in my life would come and that I would need to experience His perfect peace to get me through the pain and hurt of losing my baby, our baby. And by experiencing that, I would be able to talk with other about my miscarriage and provide encouragement to others.
One year ago this week, I miscarried our baby. I found out I was pregnant January 16, 2010 and had a perfectly amazing ultrasound February 11, 2010 and saw our beautiful baby's heartbeat fluttering on the screen. The miscarriage part was actually a month long process, finding out when we returned home from vacation at a Dr. appointment that the baby did not have a heart beat anymore. I'll never forget seeing the tears in my husbands eyes and knowing that in my heart our baby had already gone to heaven. I'll never forget hearing a new born baby's cry in the hallway at the Dr.'s office and how my heart just ached. Since my body had already started the process of miscarrying, I decided to let my body finish it and not to do a D & C. Little did I know, not only the toll of the emotional process, but the intense physical process my body would go through for the next several weeks.
But the peace I felt that day in Arizona was not only a peace about what my body was going through at the time, but a peace about our future. I knew that God had placed Arizona on our hearts for a reason, and that the miscarriage started in Arizona for a reason, and that I felt God's perfect peace in Arizona for a reason. My heart and my arms long for my child that I never got to hold and love on, but my spirit knows the lessons I have learned in the last year could not have been learned without this suffering. God has a purpose for everything in our life! There is a reason for every pain, suffering, joyful or questioning time! Whether it teaches us a lesson, or shows us God's beauty, brings us peace, or brings Him glory... there is a reason! And God is good. And His timing is perfect. We may feel as if He is punishing us or we question why, but He will provide. I truly believe that our God is a good God and He has good things for His people that live their lives for Him. I can say with my whole heart that although I never would have thought I would lose a child to a miscarriage, I am glad God allowed me to go through that painful experience so I can bring Him glory and praise Him and thank Him for the perfect peace He allowed me to feel.
No comments:
Post a Comment